THE STORY YOU TELL YOURSELF USUALLY GETS THERE FIRST

3 min read

What might be happening in the mind of an employee before they ever walk into your office?

I’m still early in my career, and one of the things I’m learning is just how quickly I can create an entire story with very little information.

Someone’s tone feels different. A text doesn’t get answered. A conversation doesn’t go the way I expected.

And before I’ve asked a single question, my brain has already started filling in the blanks.

I know this isn’t unique to younger employees. We all do it. But as I continue my studies and gain more experience in the workplace, I’ve become increasingly interested in what happens in that small space between what actually happened and what we decide it means.

And for leaders, I think that space is worth paying attention to.

Because the story in someone’s head can get there before your message does.

What happens in that space?

Imagine an employee receives a message from their boss:

“Can you come see me when you get a minute?”

That’s it. Ten words.

But their brain may not leave it at ten words.

Did I do something wrong?

Did I forget something?

Am I in trouble?

By the time they make it to your office, they may have already had an entire conversation you weren’t even part of. And maybe all you wanted was to ask them a question.

Our brains are constantly trying to make sense of what’s happening around us. When we don’t have the whole picture, we draw from our experiences, expectations, fears, and beliefs to fill in what’s missing. Sometimes that serves us well. But it also means the first explanation we come up with isn’t necessarily the only one, or even the right one.

What does that mean at work?

You know what you meant. Your employee only knows what they heard, saw, or experienced.

And then their brain begins interpreting the rest.

A leader gives short feedback because they’re rushing to another meeting. An employee hears disappointment.

A coworker asks a question because they genuinely don’t understand. Someone else hears criticism.

A team member gets quiet because they need time to process. Their leader interprets it as disengagement.

The behavior may be the same. The meaning we assign to it can be completely different.

And those interpretations affect what happens next: how we feel, how we communicate, how we respond, and ultimately how we treat one another.

The point isn’t to replace one assumption with a nicer one.

It’s to recognize that you’re making an assumption at all.

Get curious before you get certain.

The goal isn’t to stop our brains from filling in the blanks. We probably couldn’t, even if we tried. But we can learn to notice when it’s happening.

For me, that means asking myself:

What do I actually know? What was actually said or done, without adding my interpretation?
What am I assuming? What meaning have I added that the other person never actually communicated?
What else could be true? My first explanation isn’t necessarily the only explanation.
Have I given the other person a chance to explain? Sometimes the only way to know what someone meant is to ask.
Am I responding to what happened or to the story I’ve told myself about what happened?

That last question has become especially important to me.

And there’s something here for leaders, too.

Think about the employees who are earlier in their careers, like me. We don't always have the same years of context as others in the room. I may not know that a leader always communicates that way, understand the history behind a decision, or recognize what seems obvious to someone who has been with the organization for ten years.

That doesn’t mean a leader is responsible for every story an employee creates.

But what feels obvious to you may not be obvious to someone with less context.

Sometimes one additional sentence helps:

“Nothing is wrong. I just want your thoughts on something.”

Sometimes it’s asking:

“How did you interpret what I said?”

And sometimes it’s creating a workplace where an employee feels safe enough to say:

“I may be reading this wrong. Can I ask what you meant?”

For employees, there’s a responsibility to question the stories we create.

For leaders, there’s an opportunity to create the clarity and relationships that give those stories less room to take over.

The story in our head may get there first.

It just doesn’t have to get the final word.

If assumptions, unclear communication, and the stories people create are getting in the way of healthy relationships within your workplace, maybe it’s time to get curious about what’s happening beneath the surface.

Want to create healthier communication and stronger relationships within your team?

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